Emotionally Consumed
by SunReyes
Summary: I feel guilty for leaving but I’d feel worse staying. I need her in my life-even if it’s just this once, again. Post cc


Title: Emotionally Consumed  
  
Author: sunreyes sunreyes01@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers: Copycat  
  
Summary: I feel guilty for leaving but I'd feel worse staying. I need her in my life-even if it's just this one, again.  
  
*************  
  
Time seems to have no end-as the seconds ticked by to minutes and the minutes ticked by to hours. The thoughts of all that's happened, in my life and with the case have stormed through my mind like a blizzard on a cold winter day.  
  
I sit idly on the couch, feeling broken and torn with no chance of escape. The pain seeps into my body, tearing at my soul as I remember the feeling, the thoughts, and the emotions as I saw my mother's body-lying dead in her car.  
  
With every breath I take, a gasp escapes my lungs as I feel myself drowning in misery. My father turned to a life filled with alcohol and what have I found as my escape? I'm knee deep in a marriage that we pretend is working- maybe she even thinks it is, but I can't and don't feel what I did when I was with her.  
  
I glance at the clock, realizing I've sat alone on this couch for over two hours, avoiding the inevitable-nightmares of my mother's death---dreams far more frightening then what I see on the job-if that's at all possible.  
  
I feel anger towards my mother, how could she leave us? Why would she do that? And at times when I look at my own reflection I wonder why she hadn't done it sooner. She waited three entire months and I've lived with that secret a lifetime.  
  
I feel my breathing thicken as my lips part. A soft sob escapes my throat, but no more tears will fall. The pain I feel has far too consumed me and eaten away at my very existence. I know not how to live anymore and death would only be a far worse fate for those around me.  
  
I lie awake at night, tossing and turning, remembering the heartache and agony from such an ordeal. Rarely the pain escapes me, rarely do I get the chance to forget or go an entire day without thinking of such horrible things.  
  
I stand up, realizing I need sleep-or something to get me through this, like every other day.  
  
I glance in on the girls, seeing them both sound asleep and I quietly tiptoe into the bedroom. Maria's sound asleep and I can't say it doesn't surprise me.  
  
The minute she went into the bedroom she probably made up her mind that she would go to sleep with or without me. It hurts to see her not care-or only pretend to. I bare my heart and soul to her, my deepest emotions and memories and I feel like she shied away from truly talking with me.  
  
Who am I kidding? I know she would have offered me an escape of such pain- but that's not what I want. It doesn't help-it's never helped.  
  
I flip off the bedroom lamp, watching as she shifts on the bed but remains sound asleep. It's quarter past two in the morning and I feel a lump formed in my throat.  
  
Do I do what I so desperately long to? I know I shouldn't, not if I want this marriage to work. I don't want to go to her for sex-it's not that I'm after. She understands me, she accepts me, and most of all she loves me- something I can't say the same for Maria.  
  
I let out a tired sigh, feeling my stomach knot at the decision and heavy burden resting on my chest.  
  
I know not what to do but have little choice to do anything else. I tiptoe out of the bedroom, shutting the door silently and grab my coat and keys. I feel guilty for leaving but I'd feel worse staying. I need her in my life- even if it's just this one, again.  
  
Time seems to have no boundaries and after a short car ride over, I knock briskly on her door, feeling slightly guilty for waking her up.  
  
"Jack?" She pulls back the door, surprised to see me standing outside. "Come in," she looks tired and worn-I suppose it's to be expected.  
  
"I'm sorry, I woke you."  
  
"You didn't," she affirms, ushering me inside and taking my jacket. She tosses it onto the sofa, taking my hand and bringing me into her bedroom.  
  
"Sam, I didn't come over for--" her tongue finds its way into my mouth and I grant her entrance. My eyes slip closed, drinking in the feeling of her hands on my chest and her lips on mine. My skin seems to burn as her fingers graze against it and I slowly feel the room spin from delirium.  
  
"It's okay," she whispers, dimming the bedroom lights and gently pushing me against the mattress. My legs buckle back, as I take a seat and feel her body hovering above mine.  
  
She leans down, planting my face, lips, and neck with soft sweet kisses. My hands feel over her back, bringing her against me.  
  
I feel so tired and worn and can't seem to move. "Jack?" Her eyes meet mine and she rolls off my form, looking slightly embarrassed.  
  
I close my eyes but capture her hand in mine. "I couldn't do it." A moment passes and I feel her curious gaze on me. "Get over what's happened," I whisper, in the faint glow of the bedroom.  
  
She lets out a soft audible sigh, and I feel her fingers trail lightly along my neck trying to decipher my words. "Your mother?" She reaffirms, checking to make sure she's understanding what I'm talking about.  
  
I nod my head and feel the pain consume me once again. I want this to be over, I want my memories to be just that, memories-and not nightmares that still haunt me.  
  
"I often still play the events of the day in the bookstore over my mind," she offers with a soft laugh. "I'm pretty sure that's part of why the nightmares are still so vivid."  
  
"Samantha," I glance into her eyes, "your situation was less then a year ago, mine was..."  
  
"It doesn't make it any less painful." She admonishes.  
  
"I know," I let out a soft sigh and eye the clock 2:55.  
  
"Why'd you come over?" She whispers.  
  
"You're the only person I feel I can talk to and confide in." I watch as her eyes water, "you understand me."  
  
"Oh, Jack." Her breath breezes past my lips as she rolls onto her side, to face me. She lets out a soft laugh, "you're making me feel bad for not coming to you now."  
  
"What?" I question slightly puzzled by her words.  
  
"After the incident." She doesn't have to say anything more. Those words alone remind me of that afternoon at the bookstore-the red blood forever painted in my mind. She squeezes my hand and gives me a soft smile, "you know I'm always here."  
  
"Thank you," I breathe, closing my eyes again and feeling the pain consume me. Her hands move to my body, embracing my form as she pulls me against her.  
  
"You know I'd do anything for you, Jack." My eyes open, meeting her gaze and finding so much warmth and depth inside her heart.  
  
"I know," I nod, closing my eyes and wanting to forget this tragic nightmare I call my life.  
  
I feel the bed shift as she switches out the light and moves beneath the covers. I join her in bed-taking in her warmth and the reminder of what we once had.  
  
As much as I want to forget some things, there are others I wish I could replay and experience. My fingers move into her hair as her eyes become spellbound on me.  
  
"You know I love you," she whispers into the darkness and I swear I can see her cheeks blush.  
  
I nod my head and close my eyes, not being able to say anything more. I shouldn't be here but she calms me. Her hands rest on my back as she holds me close and I finally feel myself lulled into a gentle sleep.  
  
As dawn breaks, I roll around catching sight of the clock and realizing if I'm not home before Maria wakes up-there will be some explaining to do.  
  
I untangle myself from Samantha's arms, feeling my stomach tense at leaving her bedside. I lean down, giving her a warm kiss on the cheek and feel her head turn, as she captures my lips with her own.  
  
She grabs hold of my wrists, "don't go," she mumbles drawing her tongue over her mouth and reaching up for another brush against my lips.  
  
"I have to."  
  
She moans out in protest but her eyes remain closed, still tired with sleep. I brush the hair past her forehead and watch as she smiles softly and shifts beneath the covers.  
  
"I owe you one," I whisper, quietly exiting her bedroom and heading out to my car.  
  
The drive back isn't too horrendous but I'm more then certain Maria will all ready be awake. I head to the café not far from our apartment and grab two coffees on my way back.  
  
I unlock the front door, quietly heading inside and notice her in the kitchen.  
  
"I figured I'd get us something from down the street." I hand her a cup and she eyes me curiously. Does she know where I've been? She takes note of my clothes, eyeing me head to toe and the rumpled appearance. "I fell asleep on the couch." I lie, watching as she nods and takes a sip of the burning hot liquid.  
  
She doesn't say a word and I know she won't. Maybe she's glad I went off-it gave her an excuse not to have to talk to me about something emotionally consuming.  
  
I shake my head at the notion. I know she doesn't try to be this way, it's just what's happened to us over the years. I blame myself as much as I blame her.  
  
"I should get the girls up for school."  
  
"Right," I answer, letting out a soft breath and heading into the bedroom for a shower and a fresh change of clothes.  
  
Fin. 


End file.
